When we hear the word “command,” it often feels rigid, even cold. It’s a word that belongs in military barracks or corporate boardrooms—not in the tender space of Christian relationships. Yet Jesus himself gave a new commandment: “Love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another” (John 13:34, ESV). So love is commanded. But then we read Paul’s letter to Philemon, where he says, “Accordingly, though I am bold enough in Christ to command you to do what is required, yet for love’s sake I prefer to appeal to you” (Philemon 8–9, ESV). Paul seems to suggest that commanding can undermine love. How do we reconcile this?
This tension is not merely academic. It touches every relationship in the body of Christ—between pastors and congregations, spouses, parents and children, and friends. When we need someone to do something, do we command or appeal? Which path truly serves love? Paul’s approach in Philemon offers a beautiful model that honors both truth and grace.
Paul’s Dilemma: Authority vs. Affection
Paul was an apostle with undeniable authority. He could have pulled rank. After all, he was writing to Philemon, a fellow believer and leader of a house church, about a runaway slave named Onesimus. Paul had every right to command Philemon to receive Onesimus back—not as a slave, but as a brother. Yet he chose a different path.
In Philemon 8–9, Paul writes: “Accordingly, though I am bold enough in Christ to command you to do what is required, yet for love’s sake I prefer to appeal to you—I, Paul, an old man and now a prisoner also for Christ Jesus.” Notice the gentle pivot. Paul doesn’t minimize his authority; he simply sets it aside for a higher purpose. He appeals “for love’s sake.” This is the heart of the gospel: love is not coerced but freely given and freely received.
Why Commanding Can Diminish Love
Commands can produce compliance without transformation. When we command someone, we may get the desired action, but the heart may remain unchanged. Love, by its nature, is voluntary. It flourishes in an atmosphere of freedom and mutual respect. Paul understood that if he commanded Philemon, the act of forgiveness might feel forced. By appealing, Paul invited Philemon to participate in a grace-filled decision—one that would reflect genuine love.
This does not mean commands are always wrong. God’s commands in Scripture are good and reveal his holy character. But in interpersonal relationships, especially among equals in Christ, an appeal often communicates trust and respect. It says, “I believe you will do the right thing because you love God and me.” That is far more powerful than a directive.
The Example of Jesus: Commanding Through Service
Jesus himself modeled this balance. He gave clear commands, but he also washed feet. In John 13, after washing the disciples’ feet, he said, “If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you” (John 13:14–15, ESV). Jesus commanded, but he first served. His authority was never detached from humility.
This is the key: commands rooted in love are not harsh. They are invitations to participate in God’s redemptive work. When we command others from a position of service, we echo the heart of Christ. Paul’s appeal to Philemon was not a weak alternative to a command; it was a stronger, more loving approach because it honored Philemon’s dignity and freedom.
Applying Paul’s Model in Our Relationships
How can we apply this in everyday Christian life? Consider a few scenarios:
- In a marriage: Instead of saying, “You need to spend more time with me,” try, “I miss you and would love to find time together. What do you think?”
- In a church ministry: Rather than assigning tasks, invite volunteers: “I see your gifts and believe you could make a difference. Would you consider helping?”
- In parenting: Commands are sometimes necessary for safety, but when possible, explain the why and appeal to your child’s understanding: “I’m asking you to do this because I love you and want what’s best.”
Paul’s approach does not erase authority; it transforms how we use it. The goal is not to avoid all commands but to ensure that love is the motive and the method.
The Freedom of Loving Without Coercion
One of the most liberating truths of the Christian faith is that God does not force us to love him. He invites, persuades, and draws us with cords of kindness (Hosea 11:4). Our love for God is a response to his love for us (1 John 4:19). Similarly, our love for one another should be a free response, not a forced duty.
When we feel pressured to love, love becomes a burden. But when we are invited to love, it becomes a joy. Paul’s appeal to Philemon created space for that joy. He trusted the Holy Spirit’s work in Philemon’s heart rather than relying on his own apostolic authority.
“Let all that you do be done in love.” — 1 Corinthians 16:14 (ESV)
This verse is a command, but it’s a command that points to a lifestyle. It’s not a checklist; it’s an invitation to align our actions with the nature of God, who is love.
A Practical Reflection for Today
Take a moment to think about a relationship where you have authority or influence—perhaps at work, at home, or in church. How do you typically ask others to do something? Do you lean toward commands or appeals? Consider trying Paul’s method this week: instead of commanding, make an appeal. Explain your heart, express your trust, and leave room for the other person to respond freely.
You might be surprised at how a simple shift in tone can deepen a relationship and reflect the love of Christ. As Paul wrote to the Galatians, “For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another” (Galatians 5:13, ESV). True freedom is not the absence of authority; it is the power to love willingly.
Question for the Reader
Think of someone you need to ask something of today. How can you turn that request into an appeal that honors both your relationship and the other person’s freedom? What would it look like to say, “I’m asking this because I love you,” rather than, “You need to do this”?
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